Hello, Blog and Welcome Back

Hello again, little blog of mine. 

I am writing to you, little blog, because you are the receptacle for my memories and photos and bits of life that I want to share. (Sometimes other people read them too, but it's really just to you that I am writing.) I have sadly neglected to keep you in the loop over the last year, but I have some decent reasons.

Yesterday marked one year since Life Happened and things Changed, and now that we are a year down the road with some hindsight/perspective, I am finally feeling like I can start writing through it. Sometimes, when Life Happens, it feels impossible to put into words everything that is happening on the inside of you, and documenting only the things happening on the outside begins to feel inauthentic. And truthfully, I feel like I am still in a muddle a lot of the time, and sharing what I'm muddling through feels like Too Much. But. If there is one thing I've learned from Brene Brown over the last year (bless her), it's that vulnerability leads to connection, and that daring to show up as ourselves is one of the most courageous things we do. 

So. As a place for me to pour out all the inside things, here we go, little blog. 

Yesterday was one year since Tim was laid off from his intern position at Novell. It marked the beginning of a lot of uncertainty and fear and confusion and stress, as well as some miracles and learning and growth. When I mentioned the anniversary to Tim yesterday, I also added, "I don't miss that job." He very quickly and emphatically agreed. We are both much happier with his current position, in spite of the reduced income it provides us. But a year ago, it was terrifying and bewildering. It was an Ending with an unclear Next Step and marked the beginning of a hard 6+ months of "Now what???"

Additionally, the day before the layoffs was the funeral for my sweet Grandma Black (my mom's mom) and everything that went with that. The day of the layoffs was also the day my Grandpa Black had a stroke and was hospitalized just a few days before his 90th birthday. (He passed away a few short weeks later.) I mean, it was A LOT all at once. Plus we had a one-year-old Rosie just learning to walk and a 2 1/2 year old Georgie who suddenly became unreasonable, demanding, hysterical, and even sometimes mean overnight. Tim finished his last few weeks of a horrible semester that very nearly broke us, emotionally. And I started looking for more work, which was its own story and stress. 

But - or rather, "and yet" - the miracles came when we needed them, though they were often disguised as coincidences and timely responses. The parental learning curve began, steep though it was. We worked through a lot of frustration and anger and successfully made some hard decisions. And though in some ways it feels like we're in the very same place as we were a year ago, the process is ongoing as we continue to figure out what we're meant to be doing and where we're meant to be going. 

A healing step for me is reviving you, little blog, so I can feel a little more present in my own life again as I try to hold onto what is good about where we are while processing where we've come and figuring out where we want to be. I think I was a bit depressed for a while I don't want to disengage so badly again. So. You up for some confessions, ramblings, and super cute pictures of my kids? Oh good. I knew I could count on you, little blog.

Yours (quite literally), etc.Kate the Wife/Writer/Editor/YW leader/Reader/Player of Games/Organizer of All the Things/Mother of these two silly girls:

Life lately - all the haps'

See, the problem is I am busy with a lot of things, so I don't blog. But then I realize that I am not keeping up with all the changes in our lives and I really need to write them down somewhere. So then I write these huge long blog posts that no one but me needs to read, and then I try to condense it all down, and then I never post it. So. In an effort to avoid the vortex of doom I work myself into, here's a start.

August was CRAZY. It felt like we were going going gone all month long. It was our last month before Tim started up with school again, so I/we wanted to pack in as much fun as possible. We did a bunch of fun family things like going to the Bean Museum (Georgie LOVES the "a-mals"), going to the aquarium with my family (Georgie loves fishies), going to the Springville splash pad one last time (Georgie loves the water), and going to the MOA to see the movie costumes exhibit (I completely swooned over the clothes; Georgie tolerated it). We also started the month off with a two-day Herrick family vacation (no naps for two days=torture for babies and mamas), and then sadly ended the month with the passing of Tim's Grammy and a trip to California (for Tim) for the funeral. Plus we squeezed in my 28th birthday, a girls' night, a date night for Tim and me before school started, our niece's birthday party, and my cousin Jacob's wedding. Oh, and the girls and I got super sick the week before school started. Whew! We were racing summer to its finish.

And then school started on the 25th, and we haven't seen Tim since. I kid, I kid...but seriously. School and that whole situation gets its own post but suffice it to say that he is working (probably down to 20 hours a week once the homework ramps up) and taking 5 classes (15 credits) this semester, all in the evenings, so our face time with him is pretty much limited to weekends. Twice a week he comes home in time for bedtime and twice a week he misses bedtime altogether, and he is generally gone all the day so...yeah...we don't see much of him during the week. But this is just how it goes, right? At least we have the weekends at all?

[On a related note, I've been racking my brain to come up with activities Georgie and I can do together and activities Georgie can do on her own that will keep her entertained while I make dinner. I'd love any feedback or suggestions - I have some ideas but I don't think there's such a thing as too many at this point! So far we have a day where I do a lot of music-related stuff (we pull out my keyboard, turn on music and dance, sing songs, etc.) and a day for artsy stuff (coloring with markers and paint in addition to the usual crayons and pencils), but I still need things she can do that don't require constant monitoring on my part.]

In all my "spare" time, I am working a little. I recently acquired three freelance writing/editing jobs , and though they are all extremely part-time , it's really nice (and also necessary) to be bringing in a little money again. The story of getting those jobs is actually part of the other post, but it's been a huge blessing while keeping me very busy.

And then all day, every day, are my girls. Georgie is almost 2 and talking. She amazes me every other day with what she is internalizing, remembering, noticing, and expressing. She also uses her resourcefulness to take all the patience I am able muster on a daily basis and do a Mexican hat dance on it. So, in other words, she's almost 2. I just wrote about Rosie but she's just wonderfully happy and growing and hitting milestones left and right. I forgot how much fun 5 months old can be!

And now for the photo dump in no particular order:

Finally got a picture of both them looking at the camera AND smiling! It's a dream come true for me!

From our Herrick Family Vacation - Tim's mom with all the cousins (except Baby Charlotte who was born three weeks later).

Georgie at the aquarium

The aquarium completely wore her out. She doesn't normally sleep in the car but it happened three or four times this month with all the busyness we packed in.

Splash pad time!

Even Rosie enjoyed getting in the water (for the most part).

At our girls' night, we finally got a picture of our three babes, all born within six weeks of each other.

My cousin Anna, who was in town for her brother Jacob's wedding. I miss her! I am crossing my fingers she and her husband get to move to Utah once he's done with med school next year.

Life between the everything else

I have a baby and a toddler, and that's pretty much my whole life right now. But in between changing diapers and making sure everyone is fed, some other stuff has happened in the last few weeks:

1. We bought a car! We're officially grown ups because we not only bought a car for the first time (buying my dad's car doesn't count), but also it's a minivan. I call her Bessie. We love how much space we have and feel like she's the fifth member of our family.

2. We got new couches! Mom found these at a yard sale and scooped them up for us. We absolutely love them! Our blue couch was good enough, but these are like, real couches that look nice, even used. Thanks again Mom!

3. Graduation for our brothers. Tim's brother Scott graduated from UVU and my brother Ethan graduated from the U of U on the same day at almost the exact same time. What are the chances? I went to Ethan's graduation (with both girls - it was a loooong day) so I don't have pics from the other, but we were (and are) so incredibly proud of all their hard work. I know a lot of people find the graduation ceremonies boring and/or pointless, but I'm a strong believer that everyone should take the time to celebrate and honor all the hours and work that goes into achieving that diploma.

4. Rosie's blessing. Since Tim's parents were here from California for Scott's graduation, we also blessed Rosie that same weekend. It made for a very busy weekend but we were so happy to have all our family there to support Rosie. She was an absolute doll all day, plus Tim gave her a beautiful blessing and we had the perfect weather for our outdoor gathering after the meeting.

Our Maryon family. (We did take a Herrick family photo but I don't have a copy yet!)

I couldn't resist adding this darling photo - could she be any cuter??

5. Mother's Day. We forgot to take a picture of our little family on Rosie's blessing day so we recreated the moment (complete with the same outfits because I'm weird like that) on Mother's Day. It was a lovely day: we went to church with my mom, had a delicious lunch, I got to take a nap, and there was a lot of chocolate involved. Including this chocolate shoe from my mom - how fun is that? (There were also two throwing up incidents - one of which soaked me - and a blowout diaper, a super soggy diaper, and plenty of tantrums. Mother's Day to its very fullest!)

While I'm on the subject, and all sappiness intended, I just wanted to say how much being a mother means to me. I am "in the trenches," so to speak, as so many of my friends are - getting up at night, wiping noses, changing diapers, fielding tantrums, trying to love and teach and nurture without going crazy, and it's hard work. But these two little girls are so incredible and so precious to me. I love saying "the girls" or "my girls" more than is reasonable. And that's what being a mother is - loving and giving and sacrificing more than is reasonable. Everyday makes me more and more grateful for what my mom gave and sacrificed and I truly hope someday my girls will be able to say the same thing.

This is where we are

I made only one real "resolution" for the new year (I use the term loosely) and that was to write more, so catching up on the blog seems like a good place to start. I feel like my life has been all chaos for weeks now (and while it may all have been internal chaos, it's hard not to let that spill out sometimes) so let's get our bearings, shall we? Hint: Skim to the bolded parts and down to the photos, which are mostly of Georgie, if you're in a hurry.

In case you missed it, we moved from my parents' house in Draper to a lovely little apartment in south Provo at the beginning of November. While moving was a pain and the process of finding/applying/planning to move was a hassle, we had a ton of help and we love our little place. It's just right for us - 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, and just five minutes from Novell so Tim doesn't have a long commute (booyah!). (Oh yeah, and Tim is still working for Novell's eLearning training department.) We really like our ward and we just starting teaching one of the classes of 5-year-olds in Primary. There's a lot of grass and a little playground at our complex so once winter's gone, we will be outside a lot. I keep waiting for the whole apartment to be clean enough to post pictures, but that may never happen. So pictures to come. Promise.

I didn't do a good job of announcing this but we are having another girl, due March 14th, which is in 8 weeks if anyone's counting (!!!). We are not really ready for another baby emotionally or mentally, but my nesting instinct kicked in high gear last weekend so I at least have a list of what needs to be done around the house to get ready. I feel like this little girl's got a strong personality already and we're 99.9% sure her name is going to be Rosalind - we already call her Rosie, so hopefully that sticks once she's here! Still thinking about middle names if you have any suggestions. We're really hoping she comes a little early so that the midwife who delivered Georgie can be there before going out of town for 3 weeks, and so that it will coincide with UVU's spring break and Tim can miss a minimal number of classes this semester. 

Speaking of school, Tim's still plugging along at UVU with one or two classes per semester. He totally rocked his advanced writing class and computer-something class last semester with two A's! And all on his own - I proofread his papers and offered moral support but he made it through that English class like a pro. We dream of the day when he will be done but that's still quite a ways off.

I'm still working for Northridge Publishing but I'm down to just 15 hours per week, mostly so we can qualify for Medicaid and partially because I just can't find more time in the week with Georgie being so, you know, energetic and active. Work is work; some days I love it, other days I wonder if I'm crazy to keep at it. I've been trying to get caught up and ahead so I can actually take a little time off once I have this baby. I'm planning on continuing to work after baby girl #2 comes along, so let's all start hoping now that I find a way to make that happen!

Speaking of Georgie, she could be her own post, so just the highlights: she's 15 months old, 30 inches tall, and almost up to 20 lbs. The last two months have brought tons of language development and it's SO FUN to actually communicate with her! She has about a dozen words she says and her own version of five signs. She's silly and crazy and loves to climb on and into everything. Her favorite toys are her books, bubbles, and anything she can dump out. She won't let me put anything on her head or in her hair (unless she doesn't notice when I clip a bow in) but she will wear all of her headbands as necklaces at the same time. She has super erratic eating preferences so some days, all she does is ask for food and on others, I am lucky to sneak in a few bites here and there. All her good sleeping habits went away when we moved and with the holidays and bouts of illnesses in the last few weeks, haven't returned, but she sometimes sleeps through the night and she generally takes at least one nap a day. I really really really miss that second nap. She basically adorable and hilarious and absolutely maddening about once a week.

Other than that, we're...well, we're okay. Some days are fine, some days are rough. It's been two months since my dad passed away and while "normal" has gotten more normal, we still have a lot of grieving and processing to do. Having a 15-month-old who needs to be fed, put to sleep, played with, and generally paid attention to all the time makes it hard to find time or space for mourning; getting ready for another baby makes it even harder. We'll get through it eventually but it's just going to take a lot of time.

And that's where we are right now. 

 

Catching Up/Five Months

So this one time, I had a blog. Then I had a baby and the blog got neglected because post-baby life was all about survival and blogging was very much a leisure activity. But now, all these weeks later, it is time for a little catching up because goodness, life has changed.

The biggest change is that we've moved! After over 3 1/2 years in the same place, after hosting Christmases and Thanksgivings and parties, after being Hotel Herrick a dozen times, after going from newlyweds to new parents in our little basement apartment, we moved in with my parents in Draper. The plan is to stay here for about six months, save some money, and spend time with my mom and dad. Tim is still going to school at UVU and working at Novell, so he's commuting quite a bit, but we're really happy to be here. Tim is also working at my office to help us with some shipping and he has a little contract work on the side. Needless to say, he's keeping busy!

I am still working 25-30 hours/week and it's getting...marginally easier? I was able to reshuffle some responsibilities at work so my workload is more proportionate to the time I have, but it's still stressful. I don't know how other working mothers do it - I am definitely still trying to figure it out. (More about that another time.)

I can't think of much else to update. Mostly, we moved and we have a baby who takes up lots of love and attention. We all got super sick for a week and a half in February - Georgie had a cold and double ear infection (trauma for all of us, by the way) and the resulting lack of sleep made Tim and I sick. Not so fun. And we got to see all of our Herrick family last month at our niece Lillian's blessing. We got this awesome picture of the three cousins who were all born within six months of each other. I can't wait for these girls to be old enough to actually play with each other! It's going to be so sweet.

I guess that's the other big thing to update - we have a five-month-old. It's not too much different from having a four-month-old; she's just growing and developing and delighting us with her advances. She giggles more easily and she's a rolling champ (back to front especially) and she really really wants to crawl. She gets up on her toes and tried to push forward and then ends up turning in a circle. We think the weeks of drooling and gumming on things might finally be turning into actual teething soon but it's hard to tell. 

I think the best part of five months is that she responds to us more and more. She lights up when she sees Tim and sometimes when she's upset she can't help but smile at me when I make faces at her. She is just barely starting to reach for us when we go to pick her up but it already melts us. Our favorite nicknames for her are Bugaboo and Chickadee and Fussbudget (for the fussy times). She seems to be entering an attachment phase and sometimes gets really upset when I leave the room even if she's being held by someone else. 

She has very expressive eyebrows and eyes - they always give her away when she's tired, happy, excited, or upset. Her eyes are definitely blue and her hair is still a dark blonde - it's getting long enough it doesn't stand up on its own and just kinda swirls on the top of her head. I swear she's going through a growth spurt but I always think that so who knows? She was doing really well with sleeping at night and taking naps and then she got sick (a cold with a double ear infection - it was traumatic for all of us) and then we moved and now she's not sleeping at all - 45 minute naps (we can sometimes convince her to take two naps back-to-back but that's it) and waking up two or three times at night, if not more. We're wondering if she is having nightmares or something because she just recently starting getting scared - not just startled but actually frightened - and that might be waking her up. The only upside is that she sleeps equally badly in her swing or crib so we made the switch to having her sleep in her crib all the time. Hopefully this phase passes quickly!

She spends a lot of her time on her play mat (this was taken today):

And this was from almost a month ago but dang, it's just so cute! I never saw the appeal of babies in oversized hats until this moment right here:

I haven't been good about taking pictures since life has been so crazy, but I'm sure I will inundate the blog with more soon. So that's the update - baby, moving, work, blog, life. Word.

Craziest. Week. Ever.

Life didn't slow down this week, not even a little bit. It was the craziest week. It started out busy (see previous post about nesting) and then Tim got a really nasty virus that pretty much laid him out for two days. (He slept for about 12 hours two nights in a row - he never does that!) I did not get sick, thankfully, but having a sick husband and a crazy nesting instinct is no fun when you can't move furniture by yourself.

Then we had my weekly appointment with the midwives and I was measuring small so they sent us to do a nonstress test and get an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. We were pretty sure things were fine and my belly was measuring small because the baby dropped, but we weren't going to say no to an ultrasound! I did kinda freak out a little after that appointment, but to help me feel better, Tim took me shopping and we got a few last things for the baby and then we finished getting our room set up. Tim's so good to me. :) The nonstress test and ultrasound were totally fine - the baby's just low and measuring about a week behind her due date which is exactly what we were told at the 20 week ultrasound. So nothing to worry about there. (As a side note, we got a few pics from the ultrasound and we got to see the baby's face! And she has cute little chubby cheeks already - it's kind of adorable.)

Then the night after the ultrasound, we discovered that the pipe from the washing machine to the drain was broken when I did an extra-large load of laundry and all the water from that load flooded our furnace room, entryway, bathroom, part of the kitchen, and then soaked through the furnace room wall to get the carpet in our hallway wet. Yeah. That happened. There was enough water in the bathroom that I had to sweep it out into the garage before I could soak it up with towels. There wasn't a lot of damage, just stuff to clean up, but we were very worried about the walls and carpet mildewing or molding. My awesome brother-in-law Jase does construction so we listened when he told us to pull up the carpet in the hallway to get the pad dry underneath. The pipe got fixed the very next day and the pad and carpet are mostly dry now, but the dry wall in the furnace room will probably have to be replaced which means things are still in a state of semi-disarray. Just what we wanted to deal with right before having a baby, right?

Luckily, my mom had already volunteered to come down and help me do some deep cleaning on Saturday, so she helped us get the kitchen and bathroom to rights, among other things. My parents are so awesome - it was such a huge relief to have them over!

We also went and toured the birthing center at Orem Community Hospital this week and mostly pre-registered. My insurance is still in the process of switching over to COBRA so we only got half of it done and we're now impatiently waiting for my new insurance card so we can finish. 

And then to finish the week, Sunday was our ward's Primary program, which went really well, but was exhausting. I am really, really glad I could be there for it and I kept telling people it was the last thing on my list so I was free to have a baby now. I'm thinking I should probably try to recover from this last week first, but I'm 39 weeks and in spite of the pulled up carpet and dry wall needing to be replace, I'm ready to have a baby!

My favorite part of the week was definitely finishing our room. Everything is so clean and nested! (And yes, we do sleep with two different blankets right now - makes it much easier for each of us to regulate the temperature throughout the night.)

And here's what our hallway looks like - pulled back carpet, industrial fan, and lamp because the light fixture is broken. Good times.

Lately

Summer is going way too fast and I haven't been keeping up with the pictures very well, but I have a small sampling of the bits and pieces we've been up to lately.

More apricot jam - I made it mostly by myself this time!

Lots of baby stuff piling up in the crib and on the lower rung of our makeshift closet:

 Lots of this going on...

And of course, every week we roll out our huge quilt at "our" beautiful park and  play lots and lots of games.

And other than Tim's homework (no pictures of that - sorry, I know you're disappointed), that about sums it up. We're trying to get lots of little things done before we've got a new baby to take care of and trying to keep our heads above water with balancing everything. And of course, trying to stay cool which just isn't happening for me. Only a few more weeks of summer left!

General update because I am a blog slacker lately

My sister-in-law Bekah recently asked me if I was enjoyed being pregnant and I honestly answered, "I'm enjoying not being sick." Those first few months were rough, but the last two months have been lovely and I think I've been trying to make up for the forced inactivity of February and March by never sitting still since then. Seriously, ask Tim - I can't not be doing something. Even when we're just chilling on the couch or in bed, I'm rubbing his shoulders or folding laundry or eyeing the room, looking for something to clean/organize/get rid of.


For all that, it doesn't feel like there's too much to update - life is just going along pretty smoothly. Tim has found his niche at his job and is really enjoying working at Novell. I am constantly busy at my job and constantly trying to stay on top of everything (hasn't happened yet). Every Tuesday we go to the Orem City Center park to play games. I started my Hypnobabies classes and work on that every day. Tim celebrates his 27th birthday in a week and a half; we're celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary at the end of the month with a trip down to Torrey. Tim has one summer class to get through in July (ugh) and then in August, we're going to celebrate my 26th birthday with a weekend in Salt Lake and Wicked tickets (thanks Mom!). And then we are just going to count down until this little girl (it's a girl! in case that blog post got buried) decides to join us and savor every minute together. And that's about it.


Except that's not completely true. There are other things going on too, like Tim's work contract being up in September, and a lack of insurance, and trying to save money like crazy. Last night we talked about all the maybes of life and our contingency plans if everything falls through. Here's the thing - we talked about it without fear. Even though these realities and uncertainties are very much a part of our lives, we aren't afraid of them. Because the truth is, we did not pick when to have this baby. If it had been up to us, she would have been born last month, and then if we'd have our second choice, she'd be due before the end of August when I lose my insurance. But she's due three weeks later, around the time Tim's contract with Novell is up. This isn't in our hands; it never was. 


Two summers ago I spent nearly every day afraid of the uncertainty of the future, putting on a brave face when I talked to other people about our situation, but inwardly questioning the wisdom of our choices. And then, everything worked out. We didn't wait around for that to happen; we worked hard to catch the blessings that came to us. But it wasn't us. And we know that this uncertain situation we've found ourselves in isn't us either. We'll be taken care of, one way or the other. I marvel at the blessings that are still coming from that summer's decisions, not the least of which is the ability to face this summer so calmly.


So there you have it - that's the full update of what's really going on. Bottom line: life is just good right now. Not perfect, but really, really good.

Was it really only a week?

For some reason, last week felt like two weeks or something. I started counting all the things we did and I couldn't believe it was only one week of our lives! And of course I didn't take pictures of anything. I'm very lame like that lately.

First there was General Conference last weekend which was, as always, wonderful. We helped my friend Jen move into a new apartment that weekend and ended up watching a lot of Conference at her place, then we spent half of Sunday at my parents' house. Pretty good weekend!

Then last Wednesday, we went to my next baby appointment. I switched from my regular doctor to working with a group of midwives so I can deliver at the hospital I want to deliver at and we're good with the switch so far! This was the first appointment where we got to hear the baby's heartbeat (my old doctor was all fancy and used a mini-ultrasound machine instead of a Doppler) and it was so awesome. It took a minute to find the heartbeat because, in Sue's words, she was chasing a moving target. We even got to hear the baby give a kick (it was a bigger whoosh than the heartbeat).

Then the weekend came around again and we partied hard. We went out for a real date on Friday night (first one in two months!), celebrated my grandpa's 87th birthday on Saturday night, and celebrated Easter and my sister Rachel's birthday on Sunday. It was a very full weekend!

The most amazing part of that crazy week was that I actually started to feel like a normal person instead of a constantly sick and tired pregnant woman. I have some of my energy back and food is staying down (knock on wood), so life has become much more enjoyable. Don't know why it took sixteen weeks to get to this point but I'm glad we finally made it here!

Life Update (and a Big Announcement!)

The first week of March was spent lounging in Hawaii and since we got back (sad day), the month has flown by. Tim and I have both been trying to get caught up at work, Tim's been fighting off some kind of flu, we had a St. Patrick's Day party last weekend, and oh, what the heck, I'll cut to the chase: We're having a baby! I'm pregnant, expecting, adding to the family, however you want to say it - we're having a baby and we are thrilled!!!

I'm 14 weeks along, due September 18th, and yes, I've been really nauseated and throwing up some and yes, I've been exhausted and yes, I'm starting to feel better but not all the way and yes, I'm very happy about this. Well, not the throwing up or exhausted part, but the other part is pretty awesome. I've been to the doctor twice and both times we got to see our tiny baby on a mini ultrasound machine and everything looks good. Today we even watched the little one kick and wiggle around a but - it was amazing! Tim is over the moon excited and has been incredible - so supportive and concerned and helpful and making all kinds of runs to the store the second I ask. The last two months have been kind of rough on both of us but I think it's getting better. Hopefully. Still working on it.

Mostly, it is just so good. It's been about a year since we started trying for this and we're so happy to be moving forward. I can't wait to meet this little person in about six months and as strange as it may sound, I'm really excited to meet who Tim and I will be as parents. This year is going to be a wild ride but I'm so excited!

Some things I love

I feel like not much has been happening lately--it's just the same old, same old. Work, school, work, callings, work, house. And then all of a sudden, the pace picked up and life started to happen and big things might be changing. (No, I'm not pregnant.) I'm not going to tease you with all the things that are potentially going to happen until they are more official, but I will say that it's been so interesting to see how things fall into place when they are supposed to, and how things that didn't make sense earlier suddenly fit together. The lull in exciting things was nice, but I can't wait to see where these new developments are heading. (Is that enough of a teaser for you?)

So instead of news, a list of things I love, in no particular order (it's an update in its own way):

1. Our new shower curtain. Seriously, possibly the most exciting thing that happened last month was getting a new shower curtain, liner, and shower curtain rings. That really says something about last month, I think...

2. Our new griddle! I think Tim has cooked on it every other day since we got it (on mega sale, I might add), and I love it.

3. My sewing machine. I've been trying out some of the cute projects I've written up at work and it's just so much fun. Pictures to come...

4. Along those same lines, finishing my quilt! I still need to tie it, but I started this t-shirt/pajama pants quilt when I still lived in Provo...three years ago. Yeah, it's time to get it done.

5. Parking in the garage. Tim always gets home before me in the evenings (and usually leaves after me in the mornings), but he lets me park in the garage. Not just because my car fits better--because he's just that sweet.

6. Community. Oh. My. Hysterical. It's been a really, really long time since I laughed so hard at a TV show. Seriously.

7. Modern Family, the other best thing on TV. We started to catch up on the last few episodes and it was so great to watch it again.

8. My calling in the Primary. I'm the first counselor in our ward's Primary presidency and I love it! It took a few weeks to get used to it, especially because we have a very active and energetic Junior Primary, but the kids are so cute and funny and I am feeling more comfortable with it now. It's something I actually look forward to every week, if you can believe it.

9. Crystal Light drinks. Sugar-free and low calorie and soooo delicious.

10. Days that feel like spring. There have been a few delicious days of sunshine and warm breezes, and as soon as I get that whiff of grass and dirt, I get so excited for spring to come!

Ebb and Flow

I started a post earlier today so I could whine about not getting sleep and having a spouse who doesn't (ever) get sleep. It was going to be self-pitying and extremely dull, and I put off writing it because I knew it would be.

Then Tim and I went to BYU to do our taxes. Not where you'd necessarily think to find a miracle, but there it was. Thanks to the magical program that calculates your taxes for you, we owed way less than we had anticipated, which was awesome in and of itself. But the best part? With the money we had saved up in anticipation of taxes, we had enough to get rid of one of our car repair bills that has been hanging around for a couple months. Glory hallelujah! What an incredible feeling to watch that "amount owed" number drop to zero!

I went to work after that on a high, energized and enthusiastic about life once again. By the time I returned home, I had fallen back to my previous pathetic mood. I had swung from "best day ever!" to "uggghhhh." Yes, it was a long day involving three separate jobs and driving on the freeway and thinking about unpleasant things, but it also involved spending time with my husband in the middle of the day and getting really good news about our taxes.

One of the women whose blog I follow writes a lot about ebb and flow, the exchange of good and bad, productive and lazy, chaotic and controlled. Not until today did I recognize what she meant in my own life. My day ebbed and flowed and I have to say, I did not endure the ebb part very well. I let it pull me down and drag me under, which was made apparent to me after I found myself riding the flow. I sometimes wish for more "flow" days in life, but facts are, I can't escape the other days and moments. I'd be so much happier if I could still enjoy those days, or at least not become a dull, whiny, conversation-less being.

So here's the flow that lifts us up and speckles our days with happiness, and here's the to the ebb that fills in the spaces between and challenges us. And here's to small miracles in the form of taxes that pay your bills.

2010 in Review

10 things that happened in 2010:

1. Tim and I were together every single day. We met halfway through 2008 and spent half of 2009 miles apart, so this is extremely noteworthy.

2. My cousin Nigel was killed in March while fighting in Afghanistan. His sacrifice has changed so much for me and my family since then.

3. I finished my thesis and I graduated! In May, I got to go to Pittsburgh with my husband and parents, show them around, see old friends, watch the LOST finale, and proudly receive my diploma.

4. Tim and I went to California twice, once for Valentine's Day, and once for the 4th of July and my niece's baby blessing.

5. I became an aunt twice over! Addison was born in June, and Gracie was born on my birthday in August.

6. Hotel Herrick had quite a bit of business, particularly in August, when we had ten adults and three babies living here for two weeks. We probably won't ever have that much business again (cross your fingers).

7. My sister went to Nepal, had some amazing experiences, and had her appendix taken out. She came home and got married three months later.

8. My brother worked as a wildland firefighter all summer to earn money for his mission. He got his mission call, went on his mission, and came home again for medical reasons. Very busy year for him.

9. Tim passed his math class!!! Best day ever!!!

10. Tim and I both took a leap of faith and quit our not-so-good jobs in June and July. Two months later, we were both incredibly blessed to find not only good jobs, but jobs where we feel valued and appreciated, and where we get to work with people we like and respect. Our quality of life has increased dramatically since then.

2010 was a crazy year. There were babies being born, important life events taking place, unemployment, classes, more treatments and illnesses, missions, weddings, time spent in the temple, and lots of growth and learning. I almost hope that 2011 is more calm, but I have a feeling that it is going to challenge me in new and unexpected ways. I say, bring it on. Today, at least, I'm ready.

My Many Hats

I don't actually own many hats (though I do drool over the incredible works of art in the My Fair Lady Ascot scene) but somedays I feel like I have too many to keep track off.

For example, this morning I woke up and put on my elementary school teacher "hat." It's a little ragged but still intact. It's wide-brimmed with a ribbon around the band, an attempt at homey comfort, but most of the time it's just a work hat that keeps the sun off my neck. (Please read into these metaphors...)

As soon as I was done being a teacher, I threw that hat into the back of my car and pulled on my writer/editor hat as I zoomed to my next job. When I got to the office, I collected boxes of new submissions, answered emails, edited text, and settled in to write more. My 1920s journalist hat still looks sharp after several months of working, though the brim on one side is starting to stretch where I keep pulling it down.

Throughout the day, I occasionally switch to my friend/confidante hat (a wide scarf) or my creative writer hat (newsboy cap). When I'm done with work, I have to switch again, sometimes pulling on my ACT prep teacher hat (cowgirl) or thankfully slinging on my best friend/wife hat (Tim's BYU baseball cap). Tonight I will pin on my Ward-Christmas-Party hat (I'm still not sure what that looks like) and then I'll pull my hair back and tie a scarf on when I hang out with my friends.

The roles I play occasionally feel so completely different from each other, I hardly recognize myself. Sometimes I wish I had just one hat to wear each day, one person to be.

I have a blog I follow that always asks a question at the end of each post. If this were that type of blog, I'd end this post like this: What "hats" do you find yourself wearing most often? Are there any you wish you wore less or more? Do you think it's possible to only have one hat?

Just thinking out loud

This month is already halfway over, and I can't believe I've hardly written anything on this blog. It's not that it's been particularly busy month--though it has--but rather, it's just been fast. It's that point in the semester when thoughts stay in my head for about fourteen seconds before I'm racing to remind myself about something else and all the forgotten thoughts get emptied into the swirling pit of vague anxiety that hovers somewhere in the vicinity of my diaphragm. Tim is majorly stressed out about school (it looks like this semester might get the best of him again), and I'm realizing just how much I rely on him to keep my anxiety away. It's hard to pull your partner out of their stress sinkhole if you're trying not to slip into your own. We're going to have to take turns or something. One of those tricks of married life we haven't quite figured out yet.

All today I kept thinking about things I wanted to blog about, but I couldn't settle on anything. I actually keep a list of things that I want to write about at some point, but nothing feels relevant without being redundant today. My thoughts are feel like they're chasing their tails, to quote my first graders.

I'm thinking about faith and doubt and cancer and the essay I've been trying to write about it and how I need to get cracking so I can submit it for a writing contest. Thinking about writing and how my friends have kept up with that and are getting published and I'm letting that part of my life slide and plus I think I'm getting dumb being away from school. Thinking about writing for work and wondering how I'm ever going to get caught up and how much work and I can squeeze in over Thanksgiving and wondering if I really want to work over Thanksgiving anyway. Thinking about friends I haven't talked to recently and then about Christmas and wondering how that's going to work out and then jumping to Harry Potter this weekend and a football game and then a birthday party and wait, am I teaching on Sunday? No, I taught last week. I think. Wondering how we're going to get Tim through this semester and if we'll find him a tutor in time and he still needs to register for next semester but he might need a break but that's probably not a great idea but maybe. And then remembering the horror stories I heard in traffic school tonight (stupid speeding ticket) and how I'm grateful that I wear my seatbelt and how I'm never talking on my cell phone while driving again, ever. Rattlesnake, hockey puck, monkey monkey underpants. (That's a Gilmore Girls shout out, in case you missed it.)

Whew.

There's a line in You've Got Mail that I love, and because I love movie quotes and I love getting things right, I looked it up: "Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life--well, valuable, but small--and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So goodnight, dear void."

I don't really want an answer to any of this madness running through my head, though I'm sure someone will read it. Blogging is truly a paradox sometimes, the public bearing of private thoughts. Tonight I just needed a void to empty those thoughts into. So goodnight, dear void.

Elder Maryon

And just like that, he's gone. Into the MTC, there to stay for only three weeks, and then the real adventure begins. I admit I got teary at our goodbye, but soon I will be only happy and excited for Ethan/Elder Maryon. He's in the care of our Heavenly Father, and that's a good place to be. As he put it to my mother, "Just think of it this way...the Big Man in the Sky just won the custody battle." Heh.

I feel like we can finally breathe a little bit, now that the weddings and farewells are over and the missionary is on his way. I have plans to clean my kitchen today for the first time in...well, a while. I got pretty sick last week, but after a quick trip to the urgent care and a week of antibiotics, I'm feeling much better (albeit still soooo tired...but I blame Daylight Savings for that).

I think the feeling I have today, above all others, is just an awareness of how time is passing, how life is moving forward. Tim and I watched out wedding video the other night, and as I watched pictures of us flash by, I thought, what full lives we've have! We've done so much already, and yet our greatest adventures and joys and sorrows are still ahead of us.

It makes me think of one of my favorite songs, "More Time" by Needtobreathe:
I hoped that you could understand
This is not what I had planned
Please don't worry now
It will turn around
'Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we'll be fine
So say what's on your mind
'Cause I can't figure out just what's inside

I heard this first when Tim and I were still doing that whole long-distance thing, and it was so apt. But now, it seems to apply no matter what's going on. Just a few more months and something will change, someone will turn, life will be different somehow. Both a sad and happy thought. Bittersweet, I think we call it.

You know those days...

...when the one load of unfolded laundry somehow multiplies into four? When the rubber band breaks just as you try to put it over the cheese (which, by the way, is moldy on the bottom) and your fingers get snapped? When the dishes in the sink are starting to smell as the milk in one of the stacked bowls starts to curdle? When you wonder if the pile of clothes on the floor of your bedroom is clean or dirty because you can't remember and you're pretty sure that they're dirty and wait, those are the jeans you've been looking for and keep meaning to wash so you have something to wear for work, and just as you are calculating how long the pile can stay on the floor before the spiders will consider it fair game and infest, you remember that you were making a grilled cheese sandwich for your husband, who doesn't feel well, and by the time you rescue the sandwich it's pretty well blackened on one side?

Yeah, I do too.

I love laughing at those days.

Not because crying isn't an option...because it is...and a good, frequently used one, too...but because really, what else can you do with those days? I tell my 1st and 2nd graders that they always have a choice with how they react. We are in control of ourselves. And so, on days like those days, I choose to ignore the dishes, scrape the black off the sandwich, push the four loads of laundry off my bed (joining the pile of dirty clothes), let Tim deal with the spiders, and go to bed. I will tackle it all another day. As my favorite Anne says, "Tomorrow is another day, with no mistakes in it."

That's all. Good night.

It's the small (and not so small) things in life that make living so grand

Yesterday, as I left work right around sunset at 6:30, I walked out into a wall of cool, crisp, delicious air. The rain had stopped for the moment, and though I was chilly, I was instantly refreshed. The red leaves were vibrant on Cascade Mountain as some sunlight found a secret way through the clouds to illuminate the mountains in stripes and spots. It was a simple moment, but it was a gorgeous reminder that autumn is here.

I told Tim recently that we needed to find something to be excited about. It feels like we're always in survival mode, just "making it through" the week of homework, tests, and work, and we needed something to look forward to. Yesterday's peace-infusing sunset was a sweet reminder that while dream vacations are fun to plan, there are little things everyday to enjoy. And then, as I got thinking about it, there are somewhat big things going on as well. Life, life-changing things.

My sister is getting married in fifteen days (two weeks from Saturday).

My brother is leaving to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in thirty-three days (four weeks from next Wednesday.

My cousin was killed in Afghanistan seven months ago last Monday.

Together, all of us are going to the temple.

My sister and brother are going through the temple for the first time next week, and my aunt and uncle got permission to take my cousin's name through at the same time. My family and extended family and soon-to-be-in-laws (of Rachel's) will make up at least half of the session. Just thinking about the spirit that will be there when we are all together in the Draper Temple gives me chills. And tears. (But those just come whenever they feel like it anyway.) It's going to be a very special experience, and I can't wait for it to come.

Then of course, a wedding, and a mission farewell, and family pictures...Oh yes. There are a lot of things to look forward to.

Some other things I'm looking forward to/am happy about/feel the need to share on this blog:

I am going to see The Scarlet Pimpernel at the Hale Center Theater on Monday. SO. FREAKING. EXCITED.

My mom has been in St. George at the Senior World Olympics this week and has been swimming quite well. Quite well, as in nine gold medals for nine races, and several new records set. I am constantly amazed at how cool my mom is.

And last but definitely not least, my sweet husband got a 92 on his math test!!! It was exactly the kind of victory he (and I) needed where school is concerned. Unless you have ever watched your spouse struggle through semester after semester of defeating assignments and failed tests, you won't know what it means when he (or she) finally gets that elusive good grade and some of the weight of your stress is beautifully lifted. To our dear friend (and practically a relative...we're some kind of in-laws, I think...) and math tutor Alli, we are so so so grateful.

Today, I'm grateful that it's Friday. I'm grateful for a 92 on a math test. I'm grateful for temples. I'm grateful for family. I'm grateful for the rain and the autumn season. And I'm grateful for all the small (and not so small) things that make this life so grand indeed.

My Problem

There is one small problem with this new job that I love, and it is, to put it simply, that it makes me feel monumentally inadequate. All day long, I hold and handle the creative works of other women. I study how they were made and I look for unusual or especially creative elements. And I often come away feeling like an uninspired lump of nothing. I mean, I am technically a Master of Fine Arts--"creative" is practically in my title. And yet, I am not making anything of my own. It makes me feel very insecure about who and what I profess to be.

The truth is (personal confession--indulge me), I spend a lot of my time feeling insecure. I don't like this about myself, but I worry about other people's opinions of me, even people I know love me. I wonder and worry quite a lot if I'm doing things "right." Any discontent I feel about anything--my clothes, my house, my weight, my blog--almost always comes out of the suspicion that someone else does it better. I know that in general, women are prone to the deadly sin of comparison (and therefore never think of ourselves as "enough"), but it's not just a comparison. It's that somehow my choices are inherently flawed because I didn't do things the way other people did--I didn't do it "right."

Sometimes I even worry about who I am: Am I nice enough? Am I too nice? Am I nice for the right reasons? Do I spend enough time with my family? With my friends? Am I being unreasonable? Am I being a pushover? Over and over, my inner dialogue second guesses everything about myself.

The practical part of me just read over that last part and rolled her eyes. Sheesh, just be who you are and stop worrying about it, she said. And I do listen to that voice most of the time. I've worked hard for more than half of my twenty-four years to be more confident and sure of decisions and myself. But there are days (especially lately, triggered by my job) when I lose that sense of who I am. Days when I stop asking what I like and only worry what other people will like. Days when I forget whose opinions actually matter. Days when I'm lost.

I told my sister-in-law the other week that sometimes we need to let ourselves cry. We need to admit to and experience our negative emotions so that we can truly move past them. But now, I'm not sure that's completely true. Yes, we do need to feel what we feel, but there is a point when it just becomes self-indulgent.

So.

I am going to battle my insecurities and reclaim my creative identity.

I have a list of projects I want to do (some of which I've already started), I have a book of writing prompts I'm going to work my way through, and I am going to work on that whole staying-confident-at-all-times thing. If I need to, I am going to make a list of things I like because I like them. (I'm thinking of that scene in Runaway Bride when Julia Roberts tries all the different kinds of eggs...) And I'm going to remind myself daily that the list of people whose opinions I should listen to is much shorter than I think it is.

I realize this was a very self-indulgent post, and I hope you'll forgive me. I also hope you know what I'm talking about--the pull of insecurity and self-doubt and push of confidence and action. If not...well, lucky you. :)

Maybe someday I will learn to speak up for my opinions a little more. Or maybe I will learn not to care what other people think. Or maybe I will finally figure out how to hang on to my identity, regardless of whose beautiful projects I am writing about.

The 11th Thing

(I knew I forgot something on that list...)

11. National Public Radio! I love listening to NPR when I drive to and from jobs. It makes me feel smart and informed. Today I listened to a talk show about Mormon feminists. I've heard about books, music, the current administration, the current economy, peace talks in the Middle East, Islam, religion-based search engines, genetically engineered salmon, Americans imprisoned in Iran, pirate lawyers, the Tea Party and its financial backers, the primary elections, foreclosures, and a woman who was mistaken for a whale and harpooned in Montenegro.

Oh yeah, I'm informed.