Torrey: Relax. Refresh. Recenter.

Our weekend trip to Torrey was absolutely lovely. I did nothing for three whole days--no work, no cleaning (okay, I did clean the Torrey house before we left), no cooking, no teaching, nothing. I read a book for the first time in weeks. I watched TV. I played games with Tim (It's fun, it's challenging, it's exciting, it's Sequence!). I took a bubble bath. I took a nap. I slept in. (Are you jealous yet?) It was so relaxing, and just the right amount of time to do nothing. Any longer and I would have started to get a little antsy, but three days (okay, two and a half) was perfect.

Sadly, I didn't take many pictures, though really, there wasn't much to take pictures of. Maybe I should have had Tim take a picture of me napping or something... In any event, here are the few I got:

Driving to Torrey



Playing Sequence



The backyard view


I think the best part of the weekend was that I felt a little bit more like myself. I haven't had time to do much more than what I have to get done in the last several weeks and months, and having the time to remind myself that I love to read made me feel a little more centered. Last week, I attempted to go hear Terry Tempest Williams speak (and failed--there was no parking at BYU that didn't require a twenty minute walk), and I read a few of her essays in preparation. Suddenly, I was the MFA grad student again--thinking, analyzing, itching to write. I hadn't realized how much I miss that part of myself until I was so disappointed I wasn't able to hear her speak that I very nearly cried.

Many days I am too tired after working to do more than the essentials--laundry, lesson plans, cleaning the house, working from home, preparing a Sharing Time lesson--and I am really enjoying my sewing projects and developing a new talent. But sometimes I look at the things that I feel make me truly me and I worry that I am losing myself to the demands of my life. (And I don't even have children yet...I can't imagine trying to add that huge demand in and staying sane!) I'm still me, just...stretched a little thin. And missing the activities that bring fulfillment, particularly intellectual and aesthetic fulfillment. It goes back to all those hats I wear. I have some hats I haven't worn in a long time, and sometimes I worry I've lost them. Torrey let me try one of them on again, for which I am very grateful. Like I said, a very good weekend.

Here (hair) today, gone tomorrow

Work has been absolutely insane the last two weeks. I ended up working quite a bit of overtime last week and then I crammed five days of work into four so that Tim and I could take off tomorrow and head to Torrey and Capitol Reef. I am definitely ready and in need of a little break. And to top off the crazy work schedule, I seem to have developed both a cold and a stomach bug in the last two days. Very rude. But Torrey will fix everything, this I know.

But almost more exciting than that, I got my hair cut! It's been almost a year since I last got my hair cut, and while I enjoyed letting my hair grow out (which I haven't done for five years), it was time to make it cute again.

Now you see it...




Now you don't!



I am a big fan of my short hair. I kind of really love it...I've been swishing it back and forth all day! My only concern is that now I have to remember how to make it look this cute everyday. Hopefully these unused skills come back to quickly...

What crafty looks like at my house

Last week, there was an evening in which I got really restless, like I needed to clean or organize something. In desperation, I finally turned to Tim and said, "I need a project. Give me a project!" Like the wonderfully obliging husband he is, he did. He reminded me that we had talked about creating some kind of holder for our remotes (there are three) that would attach to our couch. I got to work and twenty minutes later...


Okay, it's not that impressive. It was actually super easy--exactly my kind of project. I just cut off one of the pant legs of an old pair of Tim's jeans (that was in the to-be-quilted pile), folded the back pocket up, and sewed the sides with the right sides together. Turned it right side out and presto--a big pocked with a smaller one on the outside. I left the long strip of pant leg as long as it was so that we could hang the pocket on the back of the couch and tuck the rest underneath the couch cushions. To make myself feel crafty and to avoid raw edges, I hemmed the sides and the top edge. It's been a perfect solution to our usual "Where's the remote?" "Which one?" "All of them..." routine.

Then, not satisfied with one craft accomplishment, I create this little beauty:


Again, not that impressive and super easy. I don't have a pincushion and so after writing up instructions for a really cute one that will be featured in one of our upcoming magazines, I decided to give it a try. I just cut out four equal-sized rectangles (all from the scrap pile, I might add), sewed them together, and then hand stitched a larger piece to the bottom. I stuffed it with leftover batting and trimmed the edges to be somewhat scalloped. And for good measure, I added a flower and a button to the center. Very cute.

But where, you might ask, am I getting all these scraps of fabric and batting? Well, I might answer, I finally finished this quilt I've been working on...


Possibly the most eclectic quilt ever, but I really like it. Every square is from a shirt or pair of pajama pants that I was too sentimental to just throw away. I can chart most of high school and some of college with this quilt, and I really like the way the border turned out.

So there you have it: proof of my craftiness. Ta-da!

A conversation last night:

Me: What's today?

Tim: The 21st.

Me: It's March 21st? March is almost over? ...Oh my gosh, February was sooo long!!!

Some things I love

I feel like not much has been happening lately--it's just the same old, same old. Work, school, work, callings, work, house. And then all of a sudden, the pace picked up and life started to happen and big things might be changing. (No, I'm not pregnant.) I'm not going to tease you with all the things that are potentially going to happen until they are more official, but I will say that it's been so interesting to see how things fall into place when they are supposed to, and how things that didn't make sense earlier suddenly fit together. The lull in exciting things was nice, but I can't wait to see where these new developments are heading. (Is that enough of a teaser for you?)

So instead of news, a list of things I love, in no particular order (it's an update in its own way):

1. Our new shower curtain. Seriously, possibly the most exciting thing that happened last month was getting a new shower curtain, liner, and shower curtain rings. That really says something about last month, I think...

2. Our new griddle! I think Tim has cooked on it every other day since we got it (on mega sale, I might add), and I love it.

3. My sewing machine. I've been trying out some of the cute projects I've written up at work and it's just so much fun. Pictures to come...

4. Along those same lines, finishing my quilt! I still need to tie it, but I started this t-shirt/pajama pants quilt when I still lived in Provo...three years ago. Yeah, it's time to get it done.

5. Parking in the garage. Tim always gets home before me in the evenings (and usually leaves after me in the mornings), but he lets me park in the garage. Not just because my car fits better--because he's just that sweet.

6. Community. Oh. My. Hysterical. It's been a really, really long time since I laughed so hard at a TV show. Seriously.

7. Modern Family, the other best thing on TV. We started to catch up on the last few episodes and it was so great to watch it again.

8. My calling in the Primary. I'm the first counselor in our ward's Primary presidency and I love it! It took a few weeks to get used to it, especially because we have a very active and energetic Junior Primary, but the kids are so cute and funny and I am feeling more comfortable with it now. It's something I actually look forward to every week, if you can believe it.

9. Crystal Light drinks. Sugar-free and low calorie and soooo delicious.

10. Days that feel like spring. There have been a few delicious days of sunshine and warm breezes, and as soon as I get that whiff of grass and dirt, I get so excited for spring to come!

March 4, 2010: KIA

It was a Thursday, and I was at work when I got the news. My sister Rachel and I were chatting online and all of a sudden, she found out my cousin Nigel had been killed in Afghanistan. I thought there was probably a mistake--maybe he had just been wounded or was missing. Another marine from Nigel's company had been killed just a few days before, so surely, there was just some confusion about who it was. We both started calling family members, trying to confirm what we dreaded was true. I called Tim, who was at home, and asked him to go upstairs and talk to my grandparents, see what they knew. I remember Tim was supposed to work that night, but he called in and let them know what had happened. I was in shock and didn't feel sad yet, just numb. When Tim said he was going to stay home, I tried to insist that I was fine, that he could go in. I'm so glad he didn't.

I took a picture of the sunset when I got home from work, about an hour or so after I heard the news. It was beautiful, but soft. Gentle.


We gathered as a family that night in Salem at my aunt and uncle's house. We cried together, held each other, discussed details of what we knew, talked about the last time Nigel had called home, and remembered Nigel. I remember that before we all left, we gathered in a big group hug. It felt like we didn't do much, but just being together, mourning together--that was the only comfort we could give. I've never felt closer to my family.

The next morning it had snowed. Some six inches of heavy white blanketed everything, and I was so grateful. Grateful for the muting of sounds and sights, grateful to have an excuse to burrow into blankets at home.


The funeral was held on the following Saturday, more than a week after we got the news. It took some time for Nigel's body to return home because of the damage done by the IED, but I was there at the Provo airport when he came home.

I remember being overwhelmed every day by the love so many people were showing to my aunt and uncle. The entire ward and community in Salem came out to support them. They were all there when they got home at 1 o'clock in the morning after going to Delaware to see Nigel's body return to the United States. They put up flags in front of my aunt and uncle's home, and the day of the funeral, they lined the church, the streets to the church, the streets from the church to the cemetery, and the entire cemetery with flags. There were literally hundreds, even thousands of flags.



I remember the Freedom Riders who guarded the church building during the viewing and the funeral from any protesters or media. They also gave special teddy bears to Nigel's nieces and nephews so they would have something to hold when they missed Nigel.

I remember singing at Nigel's funeral with a voice that was far more beautiful than my own.

I remember my aunt hugging the folded flag that had been laid over Nigel's casket after the Marines presented it to her.

I remember the way the snow started to fall when the graveside services were over, once again blanketing our grief with something beautiful.

I remember saying goodbye with my cousins at the graveside, all of us taking one last minute to gather around Nigel's casket, each putting a hand on the smooth wood. I realized that our group of eight cousins was only seven. We had grown up together, playing games, making up stories, running wild in the mountains of Wyoming, sledding every winter, sharing holidays, attending each other's baptisms and birthday parties. We were something between friends and siblings--we were cousins. And I knew that we would always miss Nigel.

There are so many more memories from that time. Nigel's family has stayed close the to the Marines from his company, and they've been able to learn from those young men who Nigel had become and what he was like as a Marine. I'm so proud of him for the way he lived with integrity and honor, no matter where he was. There have been so many honors and awards and ceremonies in the last year, but we would all give it all back in a heartbeat if we could. I can't believe it's been a year. We still miss him. We always will.

Love you, Nige.