The sparkly part of Christmas

All the hard things, emotional breakdowns, and exhaustion aside, we had some good times this Christmas. In photos:

A tad unconventional, but decorating a houseplant sure beat going out to get a Christmas tree in a blizzard! Plus my dad would have really liked this - he disliked spending money on Christmas trees.

We didn't get a tree until almost the middle of December and it took us about another week to decorate it at all (no lights on the tree this year), but we did have a tree!

As per tradition, we took Georgie to see Santa Claus. (We went to the Riverwoods again - waiting in line was totally worth not paying anyone to take our own pictures!) She was a little unsure of what to think about it this year and stared him down good.

Presenting the 2013 cast of the Maryon family Nativity play! Georgie actually sat still for most of it, go figure. (Not pictured - Tim got to help out as a narrator and I played the piano for the songs between narrations.)

Christmas morning was very laid back and we all enjoyed watching Georgie still not quite grasp what was going on but love the attention anyway. She mostly wanted to be held by Nana and/or Aunt Rachel (no shocker there).

And finally, post-Christmas Herrick Christmas. Crazy as always, but especially now that the littles are all walking and climbing stairs (which is all Georgie did when left to her own devices, as pictured with her cousin Lillian), it was hard to get anything coordinated with us all. But fun as always, too!

Almost the whole Herrick group at once!

Family photo time - Georgie was not interested in smiling at. all.

And that about sums it up - lots of family, celebrating, traditions, and fun watching Georgie experience Christmas a little more than last year. Can't wait for her to be 2 and really get it next year!

"Yet in the dark streets shineth the everlasting light"

Christmas has been a bit subdued for us this year, as you can imagine. I started out strong, wanting to celebrate fully in spite of everything, but it got to be too much - too much work, too much emotional energy, too much brain power (I am seriously limited lately). We did finally get a tree and we did finally put up a few decorations and I've about worn out Pandora's Christmas station, but overall, very subdued. I will post some happy pictures and stuff later, but right now I need to write out some things. 

I've been thinking a lot about the meaning behind Christmas; not in a "the true meaning of Christmas" cliched way, but in the sometimes hard meaning behind Christmas. 

It's very hard to think about celebrating Christmas without my dad. He and my mom were partners in everything that Christmas morning is/was. Traditionally, once we were all awake, the kids would gather at the bottom of the stairs and sing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" at the top of our lungs until Mom came to bring us upstairs. Then we'd be forced to wait while Dad stalled. Sometimes he'd take a shower but usually he made us drink a cup of juice each; one year he used the juicer to make fresh orange juice while we impatiently howled from my parents' room. He was the one with the camera, the one to turn on the Christmas tree lights and the Peggy Lee Christmas CD so that when we marched out to the front room (youngest to oldest), the magical moment was there. It really really hurts to picture all of that without him.

But Christmas is about Christ's birth, and because of his birth, he was able to fulfill his mission, conquer death, and promise hope and life forever. Because he was born, I will see my dad again. Because he came to earth, my family can be together forever, and that is worth celebrating - that is the hope that we hold dear, at this time especially. When I was in England on my Study Abroad, I remember Karla (our program director's wife) describing it as a "terrible hope" as she told us about losing a child. At the time, I turned that phrase over and over to try to understand it. Now I do. Now I see how it is at times a desperate hope; a hope that on bad days, you cling to reflexively; a hope that only becomes so strong and powerful when you have a terrible reason to need it. 

The phrase from Luke 2:10 has rung in my head over and over as I've thought about the hope that Christmas represents: "good tidings of great joy." But oddly, I've also thought a lot about and taken comfort from the not so joyful aspects of Christ's life.

We don't focus on it much, but within two years of that miraculous birth in a stable in Bethlehem, other babies were killed senselessly at the hands of Herod's soldiers. Maybe it was only a dozen or two; maybe it was a hundred or more. No matter how many or few, because of that birth, Bethlehem's mothers lost their baby and toddler boys and had their hearts broken suddenly and without mercy. In a way, they were the first to suffer because of their association with Christ during his lifetime. But even still, "good tidings of great joy" - because of Christ's birth in that tiny town, those mothers could have their hearts healed and be with their sons again.

Though Christ taught and exemplified peace and love and forgiveness, his life was anything but. Once he began his ministry especially, he was often the subject of contention. He was misunderstood, condemned, reviled, hunted, and in the end, killed in violence. And yet, "good tidings of great joy," for that end brought an end to all ends.

My scripture reading coincidentally has placed me at the beginning of 3 Nephi in the last week, so as we've built up to Christmas, I've been getting closer to the coming of Christ to the Nephites. I've been very aware of the timeline during this reading - each year brings the people a little closer to the destruction, the darkness. Even the righteous who do not lose their lives will know the terror of destruction, will lose friends and family, and will not be able to create any light for three days. They will suffer, too, but "good tidings of great joy" await them. Their Savior will visit them personally, will heal every kind of affliction, will pray for them and bless them.

In her talk at my dad's funeral, my mom shared that my dad's view of suffering was that we are mortal, so we suffer. We live in a fallen world, so we suffer. We are friends of Christ, so we suffer. This phrase stayed with me and strangely, perhaps, brings me comfort. Sometimes it feels like it should be the opposite, that as friends of Christ we should be blessed with an easy path, but no. Even Christ's disciples will have to know pain and walk in darkness. And yet - "Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people."

Being pregnant this year, I expected to feel a connection to Mary but it is Christ to whom I have turned again and again. We are friends of Christ, so we suffer, but because of Christ, we hope. That is the meaning of Christmas to me this year. That is what I am celebrating. 

Yet in the dark streets shineth the everlasting light.
The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight.

Life, death, grief, gratitude, thanks

I had two written blog posts waiting to be finalized - one about how we're having another girl (!!!) and the other about how crazy life has been and all the ups and downs and how we finally moved back down to Provo and how nice it is to have life settled again. 

Then life - and death - really happened.

A week ago Friday, we found out my dad's cancer had spread to his liver and lungs. On Saturday we made plans for his care for the next few weeks/months and talked about Christmas. On Sunday morning, my mom called to say we needed to come say goodbye. Tim and I waited for Georgie to wake up and gathered what we'd need to stay the night. We made it to the house by 9:30 am; my dad was gone before 1:30 pm that same day.

I am still reeling from the shock of it all, still discovering what I am feeling. The sadness comes in waves, and the sting of reality hits me at odd times. Still processing. And will be for a while, I'd guess.

For most of last week, while we planned and wrote and cried, I felt so much gratitude. Gratitude for my family, for all the support and love we were receiving, for my dad, for almost seven years beyond his diagnosis, for the gospel, for temples. Gratitude that my dad didn't suffer for long, that he didn't struggle at the end, that we got to be with him, that Tim was prompted to come into the room at just the right moment to be there with me and the rest of the family for those final moments, that my dad is free of pain and impediment and frustration and disease. I was given so much peace, and still am, but the grief is finding a stronger place with me now, too. I expect this week will be harder than the last one, in some ways.

So thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers and kind words. Thank you for your love, for me and my family. Thank you for your support. I can feel it, and I have felt it over the last week. It means so much to me.

Home Makeover: Landscaping Edition

Earlier, I mentioned a massive landscaping project at my parents' house this summer and now I am finally putting it into the blog log. (There are a ton of pictures so be ye warned.) Here's what happened:

My mom has a friend, Celeste, who works for Tuck Landscape (which is owned by her son-in-law Robbie). My mom mentioned to her that she'd like some trees to create a property line in the backyard and could Celeste help with that? She took the ideas of trees to Robbie and he said essentially, "Nope, we're not just doing trees. We're a landscaping company - we're going to landscape. Here's your budget." Celeste is an amazing person with incredible energy so it took her no time at all to start running with all the possibilities. Our down-the-street neighbor Ben also works for Tuck Landscape and between him and Celeste, they starting planning. And contacting. And soon they had crews donating their time and companies donating their equipment and a huge renovation planned for a single Saturday.

Here are some before pictures:

From the street, including the gravel and boulders dropped off to us the day before the 

Backyard, including the sad little trees along our property line that did not survive

 Backyard looking up the hill

 Along the side of the house

 The front

Then on a Saturday in July, the workers showed up bright and early and the work began! It was the most incredible thing to watch everything get pulled up and replaced so quickly. The crews were amazing!

Some (just some!) of the full-grown trees they brought.

Everyone came to watch and help!

 And the finished product? Absolutely gorgeous! The front:

 Along the side

Brand new privacy fence and pavers

The front corner from the street

 Another angle of the front corner

Another angle along the side

And the backyard from three different angles

In that last pic you can see the pavers they put down to extend the back patio. So, pavers, a privacy fence, flowers, a new sprinkler system to replace the broken one, less grass (so less water needed), and TONS of trees and bushes including two huge pine trees, two small pine trees, a flowering plum (the tall one in the last picture), three oak trees, and three maple trees. Plus they scattered 5 lbs of wildflower seeds over the hill next to our house. Can we please just agree that this is beyond incredible? The yard went from being nice to gorgeous in a single day and all because the people at Tuck Landscape are awesome. We were and are so grateful to everyone who came and created such a beautiful yard for my parents. Thank you thank you thank you!

Happy Halloween!

Holidays get progressively more fun with kids, I think. I'll have to revisit this theory next year when I have a two-year-old who will get the concept of trick-or-treating a little better and a baby to dress all adorably. For now, I believe my theory to be correct and for proof I give you the following pictures:

First we have Superbaby. She wore this costume for our ward party and was pretty dang cute, I have to say.

Hehe, caught in the middle of a tantrum:

Then on actual Halloween we went trick-or-treating at Novell during the afternoon in costume #2 - the most adorable unicorn ever. Tim dressed up as Bob Ross, the "happy trees" painter of PBS fame. I am so sad I didn't get a better picture - he looked just like like that "almighty" artist! We made it around half of one floor before Georgie was too overwhelmed and we called it good for the day, but we, I mean she, still got quite a haul!

Then we went out that night just around our cul-de-sac and down the street a ways. Our little unicorn sort of got the idea of what to do and would at least take the candy and put it in her bucket by the end of the night. 

I made her a little feed bag but she wouldn't leave it on to make it actually useful. Still, kinda fun! 

And that was our Halloween! It was fun to dress Georgie up (she's just so darling, right?) and watch her slowly get the hang of trick-or-treating. Plus we're enjoying her candy. Can't wait for next year!

We have a one-year-old

I am a little late in posting this, but here it is, one last month-by-month look at the little one we call Georgie Girl.

Georgie does not believe in sitting still, pretty much ever. She is always wiggling, looking, pointing, babbling, reaching, grabbing, clapping (she claps!), running, kicking, and even dancing. We have learned to treasure the seconds that she rests in our arms or sits contentedly (or rather, tiredly) on our laps. No movement indicates that she might be ready to sleep, or she might just be zoning out for a minute and as soon as she snaps out of it, she'll be toddling/shrieking/dragging things behind her again.

Georgie does not believe in eating consistent amounts or kinds of food. She likes to put things in her mouth, chew on them for a bit, and then pull them out and toss them aside. She must be swallowing some of what goes in, but some days, you'd have a hard time convincing me of that when I clean up her highchair.

Georgie just recently began to manifest her belief that screaming/crying/wailing/stomping/tantrum-ing is an acceptable way to express her displeasure. 

Georgie also believes that fussing, crying, and yelling after we've put her down for nap is normal. Her persistence in this belief has started to persuade us as well.

Georgie luckily believes that nighttime sleeping should generally about last 11-12 hours and that two 1 1/2 hour naps during the day are needed. She still cries at night but not in a way that needs responding to. 

Georgie believes that getting attention from her Nana is pretty much the best thing ever. Nana trumps everyone else, except maybe Aunt Rachel and maybe Mama, but only when Georgie is tired and ready for a nap or bed.

Georgie doesn't believe in performing on command, but she does believe in showing off when she's in the mood. Favorite tricks include dancing (stamping her feet and waving her arms), kicking (when she's sitting down), and standing on her head (bending over, resting her head on the ground, and waving with one hand). 

Georgie believes that all necessary communication can be reduced to a handful of sounds: mama, dada, nana (her favorite), baba (her second favorite), ba(th), and mmm (for food - because that's the sound I make when I feed her). Everything else is a mixture of babbling syllables and combinations of the previously mentioned sounds.

Georgie firmly believes that books are the best toys ever, and that finding a little corner to read in is just perfect. I believe that too, because a dozen books in her crib will buy me 10 minutes to shower.

Georgie believes she is the center of the world, and she's mostly right. We love her so much and even when she's driving us nutso with her tantrums and refusal to just sit still, we wouldn't trade her for anything (even though I have threatened to do so). She amazes us with how quickly she's growing and learning and we can't wait to discover what she will become in the next year!

One year ago today...

...I was still in shock from the monumental experience of giving birth and basking in the glow of having nothing to do but love our new little girl. I had no idea what the next weeks and months would bring in terms of sleeplessness and helplessness and frustration, and no idea how sweet it would be to snuggle Georgie, discover her first smiles and giggles, to watch her grow and reach milestones, and a year later, celebrate a first birthday. 

Happy birthday, Georgie girl.

You are our beautiful, playful, clever, energetic, determined, darling girl and such a blessing to us everyday.

You made us into new people and give us precious glimpses of your full self bit by bit. We love you so much. Here's to another fun-filled year of discovering you!

Expanding in all directions

So in case you missed it, life has taken a surprising turn in the last few weeks. We're having another baby and wow, it was a surprise! Like, completely. Which means all our plans for, you know, the next two years kinda went out the window. Or had to be severely modified. Plus I've been nauseated and exhausted which just made it all that much harder to deal with! (Though to be fair, my nausea was way less than last time so long as I keep myself fed.)

I'm not going to lie, when I first found out I was pregnant, I was equally excited and dismayed. I kept looking at Georgie and thinking, "I already have a baby! She's right here!" I just wasn't at all prepared for what I know this is going to require of me, physically and mentally and emotionally. Mostly I was not excited to do the newborn thing again. I may have forgotten some of the specifics, but I have not forgotten that for three months after Georgie was born, I was too tired to see straight. Plus, it's just hard to feel like you finally have a handle on being a mom and then suddenly there's a deadline for when everything is going to change again.

But after the dismay and the realization that this is going to be really hard all over again came the sweet memories of snuggling a tiny newborn, of a baby's first smiles and giggles, and of realizing that I am already better prepared for this baby than I was for Georgie. This time, I have a frame of reference for nursing and sleep training and all the things that could go wrong but probably won't. I have already been way less anxious this pregnancy, and I think that will continue after the baby is born, too, and that will make a huge difference in my postpartum experience.

The one thing that I have really struggled with, though, is my weight gain. After working so hard to lose my leftover baby weight for months, it's been super discouraging to watch the numbers go back up and to feel myself expanding back into my maternity/postpartum clothing. While I know in my head that this is necessary and good and a miracle that my body does this at all, it's been really difficult not to criticize my appearance and love my body every single day.

A few nights ago, as I was putting Georgie to bed, I wryly thought of the phrase "expanding in all directions" and it struck me that while it is literally true of my physical self, it's also true of my mental self. My emotional self. My spiritual self. I am expanding my life, my heart, my mind, my self to make room for another person. And even more comforting, I have the rest of 40 weeks to do it. I don't have to have enough room in my soul to love and care for another little person right now; that space can grow with the baby. Somehow, connecting my physical expansion to the process of my internal expansion has made it more acceptable and even beautiful. There is comfort in knowing that I am capable of enough growth to bring a baby into the world and into my life - inside and out.

So here we are. 15 1/2 weeks along. Hungry ALL the time (must be a boy, right?). Getting bigger. Getting gradually more excited, more welcoming of this change. Taking time to let myself grow.

Summer catch-up

We had a crazy summer and I did a terrible job of recording it in any form. So quickly, a rundown of the last few months...

We kicked off the summer with a trip to Capitol Reef. It was Georgie's first time in Torrey and I think she liked it? It was her first trip anywhere and she didn't sleep well, so that made her super cranky. But it was still gorgeous and fun!

This is where Georige took her first crawling steps.

June was full of the usual craziness - Father's Day, Tim's birthday, our anniversary, birthdays for cousins, and this year, weddings for two of my cousins. These pics were from Addy's 3rd birthday - it's so fun to see all the little cousins together!

Tim wanted to do something fun for the 4th of July so he planned, organized, and put together a huge bbq party at our house with a swimming excursion at our community pool. It was so much fun! We had a ton of food and lots of great people. And at the end of the night, we went to an overlook and watched fireworks from up here and holy cow, people. All the fireworks were little but there were dozens going off all over the valley at the same time and it looked so cool!

Georgie loved having all her cousins to play/destroy her room with.

The only problem with the pool is that it's windy and therefore chilly sometimes. All the littles were freezing!

The rest of July was pretty normal - another birthday celebration for Tim's brother, the 24th of July, etc. Then at the end of July, we found out Tim's Grams had passed away in California after six months of battling cancer. Tim really wanted to go out for the memorial service so we packed up, rented a car, and went the next day! I took zero pictures from this trip but it was great to see all the California folks and really nice to be there for Tim's Grandpa. We had some wonderful friends in St. George who let us stay there on our way back to break up the trip and the rental car, though expensive, was soooo nice! Georgie was teething and didn't sleep at. all. during the trip, so we ended up coming home a day early. (Plus we found out I was pregnant and I wanted to be home.)

August was full of my birthday, adjusting to the idea of being pregnant, feeling sick and exhausted, a major landscaping event at the house (that gets its own post), and finally, a Herrick family trip to Bear Lake for a week. This vacation was planned back in January so it seem surreal that it was finally time to go. It was super fun to be with everyone and the lake was incredible! It was also super stressful because we blew a tire on the way there (in my mom's car) and had to drive on the spare, Georgie didn't sleep well, and I felt sick at least half of the time. So we were really really glad we went and really really glad to go home. Hopefully next year's family vacation will be a little less crazy for us.

We watched the three littles while everyone went to the Minnetonka Caves - Georgie (11 mo), Lillian (9 mo), and Cora (1 yr 2 1/2 mo). Please note that Georgie is in motion while the other girls are sitting fairly still and that will tell you a lot.

Happy to sit with Daddy!

Gorgeous gorgeous water!

Georgie hated - and I mean HATED - being on the boat and having a life jacket on. This was her face for most of the 3 1/2 hours spent on the water - suffering. Just suffering. Luckily she fell asleep for the last bit and that helped!

We coaxed a smile out of her while we stopped for lunch.

Rob made t-shirts for all the girls and we took many many pictures in an attempt to get a good one of them all together.

The one thing we didn't get to do this summer was game night. We went down to Orem twice for it and then scheduling got crazy and it just was too hard to go down with a little one who essentially spent the summer sleep training. We also didn't go to any parades or concerts, but we did go swimming a lot. On the hot hot days, Georgie and I just ran over to our community pool for 45 minutes or so and chilled in the shallow end - perfect. We got to see our families a lot, which was fantastic, and we also had a lot of lazy time. I am thoroughly ready for fall but I definitely enjoyed our busy summer.