Expanding in all directions

So in case you missed it, life has taken a surprising turn in the last few weeks. We're having another baby and wow, it was a surprise! Like, completely. Which means all our plans for, you know, the next two years kinda went out the window. Or had to be severely modified. Plus I've been nauseated and exhausted which just made it all that much harder to deal with! (Though to be fair, my nausea was way less than last time so long as I keep myself fed.)

I'm not going to lie, when I first found out I was pregnant, I was equally excited and dismayed. I kept looking at Georgie and thinking, "I already have a baby! She's right here!" I just wasn't at all prepared for what I know this is going to require of me, physically and mentally and emotionally. Mostly I was not excited to do the newborn thing again. I may have forgotten some of the specifics, but I have not forgotten that for three months after Georgie was born, I was too tired to see straight. Plus, it's just hard to feel like you finally have a handle on being a mom and then suddenly there's a deadline for when everything is going to change again.

But after the dismay and the realization that this is going to be really hard all over again came the sweet memories of snuggling a tiny newborn, of a baby's first smiles and giggles, and of realizing that I am already better prepared for this baby than I was for Georgie. This time, I have a frame of reference for nursing and sleep training and all the things that could go wrong but probably won't. I have already been way less anxious this pregnancy, and I think that will continue after the baby is born, too, and that will make a huge difference in my postpartum experience.

The one thing that I have really struggled with, though, is my weight gain. After working so hard to lose my leftover baby weight for months, it's been super discouraging to watch the numbers go back up and to feel myself expanding back into my maternity/postpartum clothing. While I know in my head that this is necessary and good and a miracle that my body does this at all, it's been really difficult not to criticize my appearance and love my body every single day.

A few nights ago, as I was putting Georgie to bed, I wryly thought of the phrase "expanding in all directions" and it struck me that while it is literally true of my physical self, it's also true of my mental self. My emotional self. My spiritual self. I am expanding my life, my heart, my mind, my self to make room for another person. And even more comforting, I have the rest of 40 weeks to do it. I don't have to have enough room in my soul to love and care for another little person right now; that space can grow with the baby. Somehow, connecting my physical expansion to the process of my internal expansion has made it more acceptable and even beautiful. There is comfort in knowing that I am capable of enough growth to bring a baby into the world and into my life - inside and out.

So here we are. 15 1/2 weeks along. Hungry ALL the time (must be a boy, right?). Getting bigger. Getting gradually more excited, more welcoming of this change. Taking time to let myself grow.