A singing heart

Last night as I left work, I was pretty discouraged. Since I didn't have to go teach at Sylvan, I ended up working until almost 8:30 and I still didn't get everything done that I needed to. I really do love my job, in part because I am so needed here, but sometimes there are too many things that need to get done and not enough time, and that can be frustrating.

When I walked out of the office building, the rain clouds had scooped up the leftover evening light and it was nearly dark. The air was chilly, but when I took a deep breath, I noticed that it smelled like rain--not a cold, winter rain, but a refreshing spring rain. Still cold, but not freezing, which is definitely an improvement. I noticed how green the grass is getting and the tiny buds on some of the trees. I tried to un-tense my shoulders and leave work and work stress at the office.

Then I heard birds. More than one. Calling to each other. Flitting from tree to tree. And I thought, What are they doing out? Don't they realize it's dark? Maybe they're confused. And then I thought, maybe they don't care. Maybe they noticed the grass and the buds and didn't care that it was dark--they wanted to sing anyway.

(Are you catching my "aha" moment yet?)

By the time I got to my car, I was visibly less stressed. I took deep breaths of the moist air, I thought about spring and how much I love it, and I tried not to care about the things that could upset me.

I wish that were the end of the story--nicely wrapped together with a pretty "moral of the story" bow. But truth be told, I tried to be positive and not to care and didn't succeed. By the end of the night, I was tired, the dishes weren't done, and I was discouraged again. Don't we all have days like that? I hope so.

But I've been thinking about those birds and the idea of singing regardless of the circumstances--they stayed with me. I wish I could be like those birds--I wish I had a song to sing, even when it's dark out. I remembered a song I sang in the BYU Women's Chorus one year called "The Pilgrim's Song." The last line of each verse was just beautiful:

And as I pass along
I'll live a joyful song;
I'm going to sing forever.

I loved the switch between "live" and "sing"--instead of "sing a joyful song" and "live forever", there is this beautiful image of living a song, making it alive and making your life music, and then by singing forever, living forever. I love that, and I've been thinking, I can do that. Maybe not today, definitely not yesterday during my no-good, very bad day, and maybe not all the time...but. But I can and I will sing even when it's dark. I'll find my heart, even on the dark days.