Rambling thoughts (plus a picture)

Right now, Georgie is in her swing and perfectly content to just sit there. After screaming hysterically for fifteen minutes and burrowing in my arms for another fifteen, she's been content for the last half hour to just sit, swing, wiggle one arm free of her swaddle, lick her lips (she discovered her tongue recently), and judging by the furrowed eyebrows, consider the plight of humankind. She keeps bouncing her free arm up and down like she's marking time to a song only she can hear. And who knows? Maybe she can hear her own music. I probably should have been working during this half hour of peace but I didn't think it would last so long. She should have been napping but alas, nap times are still highly variable. She looks like she might fall asleep yet. Because of the angle of the swing, her cheeks are extra chubby and kissable and make her face look slightly square. Oh here, I'll just show you a picture:

I find this girl absolutely adorable. I can't wait (oh, but I can) for when she's a little older and we can play together, laugh together, talk together. I can't wait to find out what kind of personality she has, what she likes and what she thinks about. As much fun as this snuggly newborn phase is, it's actually not all that "fun." It is enjoyable at times, but truthfully, I am so exhausted that "enjoyable" is stretching it. It's...rewarding? Satisfying in a deep, instinctual way? It's challenging, that's for sure. It is full of moments both sweet (like this one - re: picture above) and frustrating (like this one - re: not working while I had the chance). New motherhood is disconcerting above all else, I think. I am a mother first and myself second - how easy it would be to lose myself completely. I have nothing to talk about except this tiny perfect girl, and yet I am constantly second-guessing my choices for her and my interpretations of her needs. It's strange to feel always incompetent at something that also feels so natural.


I have a feeling I will continue to process this new role of mine for many weeks and months and years to come, especially as it shifts and changes. Motherhood is not altogether what I expected, but one thing is exactly what I thought it would be - I sure do love my Georgie girl.