I've been thinking a lot lately about insecurity. I realize that I have posted about this before, but it's something that comes up for me occasionally and I am always looking for validation and/or feedback and/or suggestions for how to cope. Lately I've been thinking about the insecurities that come from family. Family dynamics are always interesting to watch and every family has its own unique culture - a way of communicating, a hierarchy, a type of humor - but sometimes we get stuck in these patterns of reactions and assumptions and we don't say anything, or we say too much, and it seems like the cycle just goes on and on. I want to know how to break the cycle, for myself and for Tim.
I don't think we ever fully let go of our childhood hurts, especially when it comes to our siblings. I see this not only with my siblings and with my husband's, but even in the relationships of the adults around me. I wish so much that I could take back some of the ways I unintentionally caused hurt while I was growing up. I remember my mom trying to warn me about not cultivating good relationships with my siblings when we were young, but I didn't fully listen. I think I was too scared by the prospect of irreperable damage I might have already caused to face what my actions meant.
How do we escape the roles of our childhood? And maybe even more daunting, how do we prevent our children from taking on those roles that will impair their ability to have relationships later? How do we avoid reinforcing the birth-order stereotypes and sibling hierarchy and subconscious competitions and help our children be friends?
I'm an adult now, with adult siblings and adult siblings-in-law, but sometimes I still feel like a little kid who can't figure out how to communicate what I'm feeling. How to make myself be heard and how to make people listen without jumping to conclusions or misunderstanding. I wish that just saying I'm sorry were enough; I wish other people saying "I'm sorry" was enough. I want a quick fix, though I know there isn't one.
Maybe the solution is just to be more direct with my opinions and my questions, risk looking foolish and risk getting hurt or hurting others. I believe in being genuine and honest in relationships, but I sometimes I don't practice it very well. I'm afraid, and I hate being afraid. Is it worth the risk? That's what I want to know more than anything else.
Whenever I reach the end of a personal stream of consciousness blog post like this, I always doubt whether I should really publish it. It feels so indulgent to present all my inner thoughts like they're important to the world, but one of things I love about blogging is that it makes me part of a community of people who have something to say and who don't mind reading what I have to say too. At least, I hope so. I'm putting my faith in you, blogging universe. Don't let me down. Because seriously, I don't think my insecurities could take it. (Just kidding)
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I think if the problem is big enough to you, counseling helps a lot. And most of it, you just have to forgive and let go of, even the things you did to cause offense. Often times if you say now what you were thinking years and years ago, it will cause more hurt than help. It really depends on personalities. Most of my family are real "walking on egg shell" types, so I usually have to just reconcile things with myself and let them go.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I am a big believer in, is family vacations. Spending a lot of quality family time together, even while your children are young, will help foster family unity and good relationships.
Ah, but the letting go part can be so hard! :)
ReplyDeleteFamily vacations...good idea! Those are always the times when family gets a little closer, it's so true.