O Christmas Tree!

The Adventure:

Last Saturday, my family (parents, sister Rachel & brother-in-law Jase) and Tim & I embarked on a quest...a quest to find The Christmas Trees. We got permits to cut down our own Christmas trees this year, and though it ended up being a long day, it was completely worth it.

Our permits were for the Ashley National Forest, which is up by Duchesne and much further away than we initially thought, which contributed to the long day. None of us had ever cut down our own tree before, so we didn't know what to expect. It turned out to be a lot harder to find good trees that were less than fifteen feet tall and that were at least 200 feet from a road, river, or campsite than we anticipated. In the end, we had to slog through a food and a half of snow and walk across the frozen river that ran next to the road to find our trees, but we were successful! We cut down three trees, strapped them to the bed of the truck, and eventually made it home. We were wet and frozen (especially my dad, who was the unlucky one to step through the ice into the freezing river water) and exhausted, but like I said, I think it was worth it. Hiking through the snow-covered mountains reminded me of my grandparents' house in Wyoming, and in spite of the rough moments, it truly was a grand adventure.

As a side note, Jase was the champion of the day. Not only did he drive for hours and through snow, he also cut down the trees and fixed the chainsaw when the cord broke. He saved the day!

The Tree:

Now we have a fresh Christmas tree that has already filled our house with the elusive scent of pine. It definitely doesn't look like something from a Christmas tree farm--its branches are tangled and stick out at odd angles, it's lopsided in places, and it's about ten inches too tall for our living room--but I love the natural look it has because of that. We were going to trim the top off, but I liked the way the top branch bent along the ceiling so we left it. Then I realized what it reminded me of: the Christmas trees in How the Grinch Stole Christmas. They're all bendy and curving and tall and spindly, just like our tree. So if anyone from Who-ville comes asking, we don't know anything about a missing Christmas tree. *wink wink*

I had to take a picture of our tree on my phone, so the quality is terrible, but you get an idea of what it looks like:


I tried to take a picture of the top so you could see how it bends:

You can just see the tiny crystal star dangling from the end of the very top branch.

After we finished decorating our tree last night, we started a new family tradition. We turned off all the lights except the lights on the tree and a few candles, including a candle pyramid from Germany, and read some Christmas stories and poems while drinking hot chocolate. It was lovely--so exactly what we needed to remind us why we love this holiday. A tiny break from our demanding lives to bask in the glow of our beautiful (and hard-won) tree.

Giving thanks for the weekend

This not having a camera thing is very annoying, especially when it comes to awesome things like Thanksgiving and game nights and shopping and the-blizzard-that-wasn't (okay, I guess there wasn't much to take pictures of there). Ah well. I will still "post" pictures and I encourage everyone to use their imagination.

Ready? Here we go!

Thanksgiving weekend was lovely, except for some rather expensive car repairs (as car repairs tend to be). Thankfully, we had only one car to repair, and that is something worth putting on the gratitude list. Thanksgiving day was spent with my parents and my dad's extended family. I realized that I haven't spent Thanksgiving with my own family for three years so I really enjoyed being here with them. It was very strange not to my have little brother with us, but we managed.

[Insert mental picture of a long counter filled to the brim with good food, and another of Tim and I playing Uno with my cousins, including Hazel who is four and very nearly beat us all... She is sharp, that one.]

Friday I did the almost unthinkable--I got up early for Black Friday sales. I know, I know, what was I thinking? Well, there were a couple of amazing deals on things I wanted to get Tim for Christmas and a really amazing deal on an external hard drive (which are generally quite expensive), so off I went. And...drumroll...I succeeded! I got a great deal at Kohl's on Tim's gifts, stopped by Jo-Ann's for a few things I've been wanting to get for a while, and then I swung by Best Buy on the off-chance that the hard drive might still be in stock, and it was! I was amazed and incredibly pleased with myself. I spent a total of an hour and a half out and about, hardly spend any time in a check-out line, and then I was back in bed to sleep a little longer and be exhausted the rest of the day. It was kind of exhilarating to get such good deals, though I'm not sure I'll ever do it again.

[Insert mental picture of me holding three shopping bags with a triumphant smile, then insert a picture of Tim hugging his new external hard drive. Yes, he was that happy to get it.]

Later Friday, Tim and I went to see The Scarlet Pimpernel at the Hale Center Theater again, and though we didn't get to see that cast we wanted, it's still an amazing show. And the best part? Now Tim is familiar enough with the music that we can listen to the CD in the car!

[Insert mental picture of a scarlet pimpernel...no, of a guillotine...no, of Tim and I singing along to the soundtrack in my car. Yeah, that one.]

And last but not least, Friday night we had a game night with some of my mom's extended family, and it was hilarious. I have the funniest family in the world, I'm pretty sure. Let it be known that my team should have won Cranium Turbo even though we technically came in last.

[Insert picture of the family sitting around my parents' dining table with cards in front of them, then insert a picture of Jase and Rachel doing a "sideshow" challenge for Cranium, then insert the picture of all of us laughing so hard we could barely breathe. That one's my favorite.]

Just thinking out loud

This month is already halfway over, and I can't believe I've hardly written anything on this blog. It's not that it's been particularly busy month--though it has--but rather, it's just been fast. It's that point in the semester when thoughts stay in my head for about fourteen seconds before I'm racing to remind myself about something else and all the forgotten thoughts get emptied into the swirling pit of vague anxiety that hovers somewhere in the vicinity of my diaphragm. Tim is majorly stressed out about school (it looks like this semester might get the best of him again), and I'm realizing just how much I rely on him to keep my anxiety away. It's hard to pull your partner out of their stress sinkhole if you're trying not to slip into your own. We're going to have to take turns or something. One of those tricks of married life we haven't quite figured out yet.

All today I kept thinking about things I wanted to blog about, but I couldn't settle on anything. I actually keep a list of things that I want to write about at some point, but nothing feels relevant without being redundant today. My thoughts are feel like they're chasing their tails, to quote my first graders.

I'm thinking about faith and doubt and cancer and the essay I've been trying to write about it and how I need to get cracking so I can submit it for a writing contest. Thinking about writing and how my friends have kept up with that and are getting published and I'm letting that part of my life slide and plus I think I'm getting dumb being away from school. Thinking about writing for work and wondering how I'm ever going to get caught up and how much work and I can squeeze in over Thanksgiving and wondering if I really want to work over Thanksgiving anyway. Thinking about friends I haven't talked to recently and then about Christmas and wondering how that's going to work out and then jumping to Harry Potter this weekend and a football game and then a birthday party and wait, am I teaching on Sunday? No, I taught last week. I think. Wondering how we're going to get Tim through this semester and if we'll find him a tutor in time and he still needs to register for next semester but he might need a break but that's probably not a great idea but maybe. And then remembering the horror stories I heard in traffic school tonight (stupid speeding ticket) and how I'm grateful that I wear my seatbelt and how I'm never talking on my cell phone while driving again, ever. Rattlesnake, hockey puck, monkey monkey underpants. (That's a Gilmore Girls shout out, in case you missed it.)

Whew.

There's a line in You've Got Mail that I love, and because I love movie quotes and I love getting things right, I looked it up: "Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life--well, valuable, but small--and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So goodnight, dear void."

I don't really want an answer to any of this madness running through my head, though I'm sure someone will read it. Blogging is truly a paradox sometimes, the public bearing of private thoughts. Tonight I just needed a void to empty those thoughts into. So goodnight, dear void.

Elder Maryon

And just like that, he's gone. Into the MTC, there to stay for only three weeks, and then the real adventure begins. I admit I got teary at our goodbye, but soon I will be only happy and excited for Ethan/Elder Maryon. He's in the care of our Heavenly Father, and that's a good place to be. As he put it to my mother, "Just think of it this way...the Big Man in the Sky just won the custody battle." Heh.

I feel like we can finally breathe a little bit, now that the weddings and farewells are over and the missionary is on his way. I have plans to clean my kitchen today for the first time in...well, a while. I got pretty sick last week, but after a quick trip to the urgent care and a week of antibiotics, I'm feeling much better (albeit still soooo tired...but I blame Daylight Savings for that).

I think the feeling I have today, above all others, is just an awareness of how time is passing, how life is moving forward. Tim and I watched out wedding video the other night, and as I watched pictures of us flash by, I thought, what full lives we've have! We've done so much already, and yet our greatest adventures and joys and sorrows are still ahead of us.

It makes me think of one of my favorite songs, "More Time" by Needtobreathe:
I hoped that you could understand
This is not what I had planned
Please don't worry now
It will turn around
'Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we'll be fine
So say what's on your mind
'Cause I can't figure out just what's inside

I heard this first when Tim and I were still doing that whole long-distance thing, and it was so apt. But now, it seems to apply no matter what's going on. Just a few more months and something will change, someone will turn, life will be different somehow. Both a sad and happy thought. Bittersweet, I think we call it.

"Ladies and gentlemen..."

LORELAI: "...We have flakes. Flakes have been sighted. Flakage, if you will, has begun. [walks across the room] Michel, it's the first snowfall of the season. It's very lucky. Make a wish."

MICHEL: "Get away from me."

LORELAI: "Oh, you're not supposed to say it out loud."

MICHEL: [answering the phone] "Independence Inn, Michel speaking."

LORELAI: "The world changes when it snows. It gets quiet. Everything softens."

MICHEL: [holds out phone] "It's your mother."

LORELAI: "And then the rain comes."

Even if it ends in ten minutes (likely) and doesn't stick (highly probable), it's still exciting. Happy first day of snow everyone!

So proud

My little brother is leaving next week to serve an LDS mission in Everett, Washington. I'm a little bit jealous that he's going to be in an incredibly beautiful place for two years, but mostly I am realizing how much I am going to miss him and his (sometimes crushing) hugs. I'm incredibly proud of Ethan, especially for his devotion to God and for putting that devotion into action. I know he's going to make an awesome missionary.

On Sunday, Ethan gave his farewell talk in my parents' ward and we had a ton of family come to support him. (I was reminded me that when we start having kids and baby blessings, Tim and I are going to single-handedly fill the entire chapel with our family members. The ward will just have to fill in the overflow or something.) Ethan's talk was really good. Like, really good. Like, I took notes. Yeah, he's going to rock a mission.

One of the things that Ethan said is that prayer is never wasted. Even if we pray and don't see the results we asked for, that prayer was needed for something and affected some kind of change, even if it was only an inward one. I think one of the reasons this struck me is that this is something I have struggled to understand.

For several years, I have worked at not giving up when my prayers don't seem to be answered. Illnesses have not disappeared, family members have not been protected, miracles don't always appear, and sometimes it's a struggle to believe that they ever will. But looking back on the last few years, I realize that if nothing else, my prayers have made me more compassionate and humble. Learning to pray for these kinds of things fosters something good within us, even if the outward results are not what we prayed for.

In addition to Ethan's lovely talk, we provided the musical number as a family. Tim and I sang, Rachel (who got back from her honeymoon the night before) played the viola, Ethan and my cousin Mike played the cello, and my dad played the piano. It didn't go perfectly, but I think it went well. The song we played/sang is a favorite of mine (I actually arranged the viola and cello parts) called "Savior, Redeemer of my Soul."

This song became important to me around the time my dad was diagnosed with cancer almost four years ago. Rachel and I played it the night before he went into surgery, and then again that weekend for my ward's Easter program. I sang it while I was in England with a more beautiful voice than I ever had before. And I have often found in this song the words to express my testimony:

Savior, Redeemer of my soul
Whose mighty hand hath made me whole,
Whose wondrous power hath raised me up
And filled with sweet my bitter cup.

I know that it is not by my power that I am and have been raised up out of grief, disappointment, fear, and pain. And I know that we can be whole even when illness persists and loved ones pass away and we feel our prayers are not answered. It's a beautiful song expressing a redeeming idea and I was so happy that we got to share it.

And all this inspiration and testimony because my brother is going on a mission. So good. So proud.